Jane’s decision to divorce Dan comes after discovering text messages between him and another woman. Why do you suppose Dan didn’t tell Jane about his new hobby?
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This was slightly unrealistic, however, Dan clearly didn’t want Jane to ridicule his new hobby (which she probably would have). Maybe all (good?) relationships need their secrets in order to feel like an individual.
This made me think of Richard Gere’s secret in Shall We Dance - ballroom dancing. While it started out as a possible cheating opportunity for him (with Jennifer Lopez), when that was clearly not going to happen, he just enjoyed the dancing - but didn’t tell his wife.
I can’t imagine hiding something like this from my spouse. When I have a new hobby I can’t shut up about it (and I often force him to participate as well).
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Well maybe he was embarrassed. But a good lesson to not keep secrets!
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Well, you can’t tell everything. What if he sucked at it? He’s probably afraid she’ll make fun of him. True, he left himself open to trouble by not deleting those texts. However, instead of going nuclear, she should have just confronted him right from the start and avoided the drama
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I think Dan explained this by saying he wanted something that was just his alone. Also, when he was first interested in possibly pursuing this, he did mention it to Jane and she laughed at him. So he didn’t say anything further about it, especially since he wasn’t sure he would be any good at it.
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I believe Dan was reluctant to disclose his new hobby to Jane because he felt she either wouldn’t take him seriously or would belittle him. I agree with the others about Dan wanting to have something “for himself.”
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I think you are right Kathy. Jane seemed to need to control everything. Dan possibly wanted so something that was all his
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Relationships and marriages are tough, we want to share but a joke, a dismissive comment or even a disbelief of seriousness from our partner and we are crushed. Jane was not always open to Dan, and felt she knew him (which she did but certainly not all of him and people do grow). I felt Dan was not secure enough to tell Jane of his potential interest and then he was too far involved to bring it up. Of course, I would hope that I allow my partner, family or friends to grow and express interests and encourage them. Who needs a downer when trying something new? It takes courage to try something new and not be as accomplished as others.
Jane’s attitude may be partially responsible for the omission; but Dan is also responsible for not sharing his new interest and what he was doing. Of course, it sure did help the plot of the story!
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Dan felt Jane would make fun of him or be critical. He wanted to enjoy what he was doing and he found he was good at it.
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Jane was very critical of Dan frequently and I think that he wanted something that was important to him without being made fun of
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I agree, secrets can really lead to misunderstandings. When I am not open about an indulgence or something fun but I feel like I might get an eye roll, I feel ready to BURST 
, even if it’s “no big deal”. Sometimes keeping it a secret Makes It a Big Deal.
Dan thought Jane wouldn’t be supportive, and she probably wouldn’t have been. After their anniversary experience, I think they both understood more that each partner had a need to accomplish things separate from the relationship.
I didn’t feel that Jane respected Dan much. I think he felt he needed something that was just his and made him feel better about himself. He probably also thought she’d put his new hobby down.
I agree with those who say he just wanted to keep this hobby to himself and not deal with any reactions from Jane. It also brought out the sadness for me of long-term relationships where communication is weak. This could either be on purpose, like with Dan’s situation, or just because people stop talking.
As he stated later in the book, he wanted to have something for himself (ultimate frisbee). Also, I think Jane would have made fun of his decision if she had known he was going to do this sport. I don’t think he wanted to hear her negative responses.
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Well it sounds like he already tried and was ridiculed by her and not taken seriously. So now that he is taking his hobby seriously, he doesn’t want to feel bad about it again, so rather than sharing it with her, he keeps it to himself and enjoys himself. Although I think he still should’ve brought it up after doing it for some time and realizing he’s actually good at it, he should’ve told her - her I know you thought this was stupid but… I think she would’ve been more accepting and supportive if he did it that way.
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Agree. She always seemed negative about anything he wanted to do. Sometimes in a marriage you need some away time from your partner.
Jane seemed extremely critical of Dan. I don’t blame him for hiding it because he probably didn’t want to be let down by her reaction.