The question of when we learn to see our parents as individuals, rather than through the lens of being their child, is addressed in the book. Did that resonate with you?
Yes! This is a tricky thing for each of us to learn. While of course I came to see my mom as an individual to some extent as I was growing up and becoming an adult, a big change came for me when I was in my 30s and had my own children. I grew in my understanding of why my mother made decisions she made as well as of some of the challenges she faced, and more and more she became her own person in my eyes rather than an extension of myself. By taking on the role of parent myself, I began to see my mom as much more than a parent. Ella missed this opportunity in many ways because she stayed so far away from Sally (and was so sure she knew all the answers). It was only when Ella returned to England and spent time with her mother as an adult that she began to see her mother as she really was.
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I agree with Kathleen L. This quote is quite perceptive. Most of my friends with daughters older than mine tell me - “ they really change in their late twenties and thirties, and once they have kids all of the sudden not only are you a valued source of knowledge but they really appreciate you more!” 
I do see this in my own daughter as she winds her way through her twenties and I see it in myself looking back to my relationship with my mother. I do think the book shows how men/fathers often get passes mothers sadly , do not get from their children, especially their daughters.
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yes it did. As a therapist, I see this with clients everyday. Sadly it’s not so easy to do however if one can see their parents as individuals rather than through the lens of being their child it will do wonders in their own life. The author shows us this while we get to see Ella reconnect with her husband Charlie. It’s beautiful when it happens.
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This resonated strongly with me as both my parents had substance abuse problems and we switched roles. Realizing that I couldn’t fix their lives has been my most difficult lesson that I still struggle with.
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I think its difficult to see your parents as people apart from seeing them only as your parent. They had lives of their own before you showed up! They have history and experiences we can only guess at. They were spouses, lovers, children, siblings , and friends before they became your parent. As I get older, I see that so much more clearly now. My parents grew up during a depression, when there was little food in the home, then WWII when they were teenagers. Their childhoods were so different than mine. Now , I understand that.
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I agree it’s difficult to see your parents as people even as you become an adult. And sometimes even when you start to perceive them as adults, you’re rather horrified by what you find. My mom is in incredible bigot, something I didn’t realize until I was older.
I think having children yourself does help you see your parents as adults, or at least come to understand their challenges more. Sadly, I only have cats, so I’m not there yet. My younger sister - with four children - is much more understanding than I am.
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This idea did resonate with me. I had preconceived ideas about the adults in my life growing up and realized how wrong I was with some of them. It made me feel very guilty and I have tried very hard to reform my memories and put myself where they were when they had to make some of the decisions they made.
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We begin our lives thinking our parents are perfect because that the example we have before us. As we grow up and are influenced by friends and media, we think we know it all. In my 20’s. I again realized how intelligence and hard-working my parents were as I faced raising children and dealing with life as a real adult.
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Very much so. I think it’s a lifelong journey to see our parents as individuals with a path of their own. Also, if parents die early, children may never have the opportunity to find out who they really were as complete people, and not just as parents.
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Yes, this did resonate with me. When we get to see our parents as individuals it is truly a joy and a special time. Not only do we really get to know them, but we also acquire a greater understanding of the life and the lessons they encouraged for us.
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