Lottie finds the way funerals end to be depressing. “Everyone walks out and continues with their day as if nothing happened. That seems sadder than the death.” (p. 140). Do you feel her take on funerals and death is correct? What’s your opinion about the rite?
I wouldn’t think that would matter to her with everything she does.
There’s no “correct” but rather as one ages we think about funerals and death in our own way. Just this week two people who I knew in my lifespan died. I wasn’t close but knew them at different stages and ages. I thought- these two are no longer on this earth this week. They’re journeying beyond. I wished them a safe passage. I feel sorrow and sadness but not grief. I’ll feel differently when a dearest departs.
I think it depends on how the person deals with grief. The process of the funeral can help some and for others it may not but culturally is expected. Life going on does not mean the person is forgotten or that people are not grieving their loss.
I had the same experience this week. A good friend died and I feel sad, but was not crushed like I was when my brother died. Funerals are a personal choice..no clear right or wrong.
No, I don’t agree, Funerals provide a ritual for closure, for honoring the deceased, story-telling, sometimes followed by a party so all can continue the talk and build on the memories. It is sad but consoling.
I think they are depressing also. I certainly don’t want one. However, a funeral does give others a way to say goodbye and begin the process of grieving. I do feel each of us grieves in his/her way. Even though it looks as if people walk away from the ceremony and continues their day as if nothing as happened, I feel the process of grieving is private and going through the process is a private one, and for most of us it is not for the public to observe.
1 Like
We are all part of the inevitable cycle of life and death. Life doesn’t stop for the people left behind. I think Lottie is wrong when she implies that they just go on about their lives. Anyone who has lost someone knows that your life is impacted in many ways big and small. It can be something as small as sleeping in your bed alone to not being part of a couple. It is important to remember to continue to live and there will still be joy. Funerals are for those left behind. I personally think they should be a celebration of life.
1 Like
NanK, I am sorry for your loss, even if they were no longer close to you it can still make one pause. Be well
1 Like
Many thanks, Dee. As we age we face the passing of others with greater frequency. While it’s sad it means we’re still living!
1 Like
I think funerals are for the living to “celebrate” the life that has passed. Having said this, I find it hard to attend them - especially with slideshows and sorrowful music as part of the ceremony. In recent years, several friends have requested no funeral services and it really felt like there was no closure. Instead, several of us got together for lunch and shared fond memories and laughs of our dearly departed. I really think some sort of remembrance is necessary in order to move on - not to forget, just to deal with the loss.
I’ve never actually been to a funeral. My family simply doesn’t do them. And I’ve only been to one memorial/celebration of life, which was just a party at someone’s house with all the friends of the deceased invited.
1 Like
Kim.kovacs, Wow. I have never known anyone that hasn’t gone to a funeral. Thanks for sharing!
It seems between neighbors, friends, family and work colleagues, there have been funerals/end of life celebrations for me to attend. But I can appreciate for some a funeral might not be wanted. I feel that if someone was nice to me when I was living that is more important to me than them attending my funeral. But I do understand the funeral is really for the living, to have reflections, a symbolic action of recognition and for some a religious practice. As such, I can appreciate it is not for everyone.
I completely understand her observation, based on my life experiences. I have lost very close relatives, close friends, and acquaintances. I also served as a Lutheran (ELCA) organist/pianist for many years & I played at a great number of funerals/memorial services where I could see how those gathered behaved.
How we respond to death varies, I believe, according to how close we were to the decedent. But no matter how profoundly we feel the loss of that person, life goes on. And I have learned that the real grieving does not occur during the service or the standard meal/reception that follows. Those events always involve a lot of visiting, catching up with people we haven’t seen for some time, or hanging out with good friends and family members who attend. And when it’s over, everyone gets in their car, goes home, and their lives continue. For those who are closest to the one who died, the silence sets in.
I distinctly remember talking with my mother about it after my father died. The food delivered is eaten, the containers returned or discarded. The thank you notes are written, the flowers or donations acknowledged. The headstone/marker is placed or maybe the ashes are placed in an urn or scattered. However things are handled, that initial flurry of making arrangements & paying homage to the one lost concludes.
And then there is simply a void. My mother talked about living alone for the first time after 50 years, 10 months of marriage. The house was so quiet. She had fewer dishes to wash, and quit cooking altogether. There was hardly any laundry to do & fewer groceries to buy. And she would wake up in the middle of the night, initially thinking he was there with her only to experience what she described as a gut punch when she became fully conscious and realized he wasn’t on the other side of the bed.
So Lottie is spot on. People do carry on normally at those gatherings which is in and of itself . . . well . . . normal & consistent with human nature. No one wants to be a spectacle. No one wants to make a scene. So we steel ourselves and get through all of it.
When my husband died, we just had a small gathering at my house. I served the type of food he loved and would have wanted served. I told my kids, “Your father is missing a great party. He would have really enjoyed this.” They agreed. And there’s the sad irony.
Also ironically, Lottie always cries “at funerals and memorials. It doesn’t matter who it is or if I’m responsible for it.” Downing is a brilliant writer.
I thought that was a strange perspective for a killer like Lottie who seems perfectly able to take a life and then continue with her day as if nothing happened. On a personal level, I definitely am not able to walk out and continue on as if it were like any other day. I do think that people’s reactions can be related to the circumstances of the death. For instance, the grief over unexpected deaths is definitely different than the feelings at a funeral for someone whose long-term suffering has finally ended.
Life does go on! The funeral is for the living - those left behind when one passes. Death is sad, but it is a part of life. We are among the few who mourn at a funeral - there are places where they party - they celebrate a life, not mourn a death. I believe that may be the better way.
I do not agree with Lottie’s view that everyone leaves a funeral and just continues with life as if the deceased meant nothing to them. Grief takes many forms. People can be grieving deeply but it may not be visible. For many people the funeral is an important rite of passage and provides the family and friends with a final chance to say good bye.
I don’t think everyone walks out and continues as if nothing happened. When the deceased is a family member or loved one, you carry that grief with you long after the funeral. It’s a process to learn to live with it. If one isn’t emotionally close to the deceased, they probably can walk away and not carry the burden of grief. It all depends on the circumstances and how close you were to the person that died.
I agree with Lottie on some level that it is strange that other’s lives go on just as if nothing happened after a funeral. Some people will go back to work the rest of the day or attend another event after a funeral and that does seem sad. Funerals do serve a purpose by giving people a place to grieve and connect but to others it is simply an obligation to attend.
Yes! I have always thought that especially regarding wakes or viewings. Seems so strange with everyone milling about chatting with a dead body in the room!