How do you think love changes and evolves over time in a long-term relationship? Do you think Jane and Dan appreciate each other at the start of the book? What marriage advice would you have offered to them?
I don’t think Jane appreciated Dan at all for much of the book. Dan was more kind and loving to Jane but had also quit truly engaging in the relationship, I felt. I suppose it’s inevitable that couples get into a certain rhythm in their life together where the daily grind seems to take hold and things become routine, causing a lack of being truly present in the relationship. It often takes something extraordinary happening to shake them up, open their eyes and remember why they fell in love in the first place. I thought Jane was selfish even in the end but was better than at first.
In my opinion, when we are first attracted to someone it is pure fire, they can do no wrong. Later little things become annoying that at first might have been endearing habits. Relationships are work, and while I think a long-term relationship evolves, it can be deeper and better than the initial first response…but again it is work.
I am glad Dan realized he needed to be a little more open and more involved in the relationship and tell Jane what he thought, and Jane needs to take a breath and be a little kinder and not make assumptions.
I thought both characters grew but they will need to continue to grow and work on their marriage if it is to be a rich, beneficial relationship for both.
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I totally agree. All long term relationships take a good amount of compromise and forgiveness. It is definitely worth the effort, however, when you have found “The One,” the person you love unconditionally (usually) and with whom you want to be with forever, even if sometimes they aggravate you to no end!
My marriage advice would be to remember why you fell is love in the first place. Also, hang in there and keep working at it and most times it will be well worth it, especially if you have children involved.
I agree, @Diane_P, but I’d add that both partners have to be willing to put in the effort. I left my first marriage, but I would have stayed if my husband had shown the tiniest inclination to try to understand what was wrong.
I also think that there are two danger zones for many married women. The first is right around 30, when they’ve fully developed as has their partner, and they start to question whether or not this is what they want for the rest of their lives. The other is when they become empty nesters. Many have been so wrapped up in their kids, that they’re not sure who they are anymore, and sometimes that prompts changes. I think the latter situation is the one in which Jane found herself, and jumping to conclusions about Dan’s text messages gave her the excuse she needed.
I think any long term relationship goes through stages. There needs to be friendship as well as love and acceptance of each other’s way of thinking and doing things. It’s OK to have disagreements as long as you are able to discuss what happened and understand the other person’s feelings.
I thought Dan was much nicer than Jane. Jane felt stuck in her role as a wife and mother and felt no one appreciated what she did for them.Jane also made assumptions about some texts she saw on Dan’s phone. If they had sat down and talked about what they were thinking and feeling they might have been able to resolve a lot of their issues.
I’ve been married 50 years. Things have evolved over that time because situations have changed. Being in our 70s means that we need something different from our spouse. Life isn’t what it was as newlyweds. I think Jane needed to be less selfish and appreciate what Dan did give her.
Love in the beginning is romantic for sure. It is a time people don’t worry about mortgages, children’s tuitions, etc. As love evolves, many things can become a distraction. It is during this time, couples need to somehow re-connect with each other. Date nights, vacations…etc. If the re-connections don’t happen it is easy to see how Jane and Dan have ended up at the beginning of this book. I don’t think they appreciated each other and what each brings to the marriage. In Jane’s case she found herself quite frequently irritated with Dan. They both lost sight of themselves in the marriage. As stated above, they needed to find ways to be together and enjoy each other’s company. Long-term marriage seems to be difficult for people. No wonder there are divorces.
Over the years, you grow as a person and life circumstances change you. Same with your partner. And inevitably, you also change each other. You learn each other’s quirks, you learn to live with them, you learn to suppress them because you don’t want them upsetting the other person. You learn what each other likes, hates, can live with, can’t live without, and you grow.
At the beginning of the book, Dan takes Jane for granted and doesn’t appreciate her as much as he should. And she is overwhelmed with life and her duties as wife and mother and just needs a change. She has tried being vocal about it to him, but since he was oblivious to it, now she’s left with thinking her only option is divorce.
I think Jane should listen to her own advice: “Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have”, and Dan should follow “You can’t run away from your problems, from real life. Life is about staying. Putting in the work. Even when it’s hard”. He needs to wake up, take some of the burden off her shoulders, and show her that he sees her, sees all she does for their family, show her some appreciation for it and show her that she matters.