Ella drops everything to help out her mother and straighten out her affairs – at first very grudgingly but later enthusiastically. What do you feel caused this change in attitude? How much responsibility should children take for their aging parents, in your opinion?
I think once she finally shared with her Mother what she found when her father died and they were able to discuss it, things shifted rather quickly for both of them.
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I think Ella’s eyes were opened to the real person her mother was, through the eyes of the community around her! Sally was known by so many people in ways that Ella could not imagine. Then I think she slowly realized who her mother really was.
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She definitely starts to view her mother in a whole new light. It is very difficult to say what you owe your parents as they age. I’ve wrestled with that question for quite a while.
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I agree with @Lin_Z that the change started with seeing her mother through the eyes of her community.
Like @Elise_B, I struggle with knowing what is owed to our parents. My husband had a terrible time when his dad could no longer be on his own. Although they never, ever had a good relationship - neither one cared much for the other - my hubby felt very guilty about moving his father into an assisted living facility near his home. He thought it was his duty to have his dad move in with him even though there was no way he could care for him, and the place was one of those narrow townhouses with lots of floors.
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In the beginning Elle still has very negative feelings because she thinks her mother cheated on her father. She views her father through rose-colored glasses and thought he was perfect. Sally didn’t want to destroy Elle’s love for her father, so remained silent. As Elle learned the truth and saw all the good her mother did, she opened her heart and regained the love they’d once shared.
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Difficult to reply to the part of the question regarding how much we owe our parents as they age. I was raised with strong relationships to older relatives. The whole family, including any aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone, would take their turns helping the older relative with daily life. However, society is so very different now with families living far apart from each other. I agree that Ella’s view of her mother changed when she saw her mother and her relationships with the community.
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I agree with the above statement.
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Ella began to see her mother through her mom’s eyes and the friends and projects her mom had interacted with. She really gets to know her mother as a “person” , not just as her mother. I am very lucky to have a daughter who took her responsibility for her parents seriously. When her father developed dementia she took on some of the responsibility for his care. I don’t think children"owe" their parents anything but children who see their parents love and care for each other and their family members, most will recognize that same love and care are their responsibility as well. Or maybe I was just really lucky to have a wonderful daughter.
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It didn’t strike me as realistic that Ella seemed to make such an extreme change. Expectations for what we owe one another can be so different within different families. I think the love is important, but it may vary as to how we work out the way we can be close and helpful.
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I think its typical how much we do out of guilt and not love. My friend has a sister who is assisted living, but insists she come to help feed her, take her to the doctor, get her pills etc. All things she could do with some assistance from the facility! It is a strain on her life, and her healthand her marriage. But their mother made her promise to take care of her sister, because she “always made bad choices” How far does that go?? Also, parents are living so much longer than thoer parents. My grandparents died in their 60’s, not 90"s. So aking care of them lasts much , much longer! It is the question of our generation.How do we take care of family members?
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As Ella becomes more aware and connected with her mother, she is more enthusiastic to help her. Ella meets her mother’s friends and neighbors, and as the two open up, she enthusiastically helps. I am a “seasoned” citizen, and I see that my son and his generation seem more entitled, busy and stressed (Not all of them, but a good many). I had helped both my parents and my in-laws, when they needed it. I don’t have any expectations of my family taking any responsibilities.
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There would’t be a story here if Ella had not done a complete turnaround.
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Ella knew it was her responsibility, whether she was happy about it or not. When she arrived at her mother’s, she could see what she had to offer and contributed to her mother’s welfare. Along the way, she learned things about their past relationship and how it could be made better.
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I couldn’t agree more Lin_Z- it is the question of our generation. You raise your children and go right to taking care of your parents. Most of our parents lost their parents much younger so they have no idea what a strain it is on our time and finances. I had to put my mother in a nursing home because she can no longer walk. I have no way of caring for her at home. Most people understand but others think it’s terrible that she’s in a nursing home. No easy answers.